


Curls and Fire

by lousbrownhair



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29223069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lousbrownhair/pseuds/lousbrownhair
Summary: We so know how love feels, or we at least can imagine. We all do know stories where people have to pretend to be in love and eventually do fall in love with each other. We all know stories where you gotta hide that you are in love but break free in the end and get to live the “happy ever after”.But this story is not like that..Harry and Louis were in love. They were successful and had better friends and families than they could ever wish for. They had each other.But what happens, when they break up and have to pretend to still be okay? And that with never “officially” dating in the first way?A story about two boys, a selfish management and an abrupt end of a band.A story about curls and fire.This is for Ev. Thank you for being you <3
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. 1.0

**Author's Note:**

> This may contain triggers. If you're uncomfortable with blood, self harm, eating disorders, break ups, heavy fights or sex, you should be careful while reading.  
> Enjoy  
> xx Leni

Harry loved Louis, he really did love him. And Lou loved Haz. It was as simple as that. Well their relationship wasn’t simple but their love was. They almost completely fell for each other as soon as they met. At first it was really weird. But eventually they found their way of loving and were inseparable ever since. Everyone knew. The boys did, their families and the fans. Of course they’d figure, they always do. Now, even the Management knew but it was whatever. The management never really brought it up. Sure they said to not make it that obvious and never confirm anything. But everyone that both Lou and Harry cared about knew and that was enough. It didn’t bother them, if anything it was pretty easy that their realtionship wasn’t official because they didn’t want to be the Band with the gay couple and the other three people. All of the other lads as in Liam, Niall and Zayn said it would be fine but Lou and Haz knew that it would in fact not be happening soon. 

But they were okay. They had each other and that's enough. They really were  _ okay _ . 

Until they weren’t anymore. And it hurt.

The  _ why  _ doesn’t matter at this point of the story, as well as the  _ when  _ or the _ where. _

They broke up and it hurt.  _ It bloody hurt.  _

Harry was broken. He didn’t know how to act or what to do without the other half of him. He was helplessly held captive in his head with all the memories the pair had together. He still had to be good, at least okay. But Lou was his  _ okey _ so how can he ever be okay again. He just didn't find it fair. They were on tour and he just didn't know what to do. He felt stupid, so so stupid. God how he missed him.

The other boys immediately knew. Not why it happened or what was going on but they knew. Even  _ Ev  _ knew. Well of course she would. Ev was their friend. No, Ev was family. Ev was touring with them ever since the beginning and well, she just now is a part of them. She originally was just there to manage the first tour. Her matter was to keep the boys in line. She was the one holding them together after fights or she made sure they would be in time for appointments and shit. Yeah well she stayed and now was just with them. And all of them were glad she was.

Now what happened to Lou you might ask. Well, he wasn't okay either, he’d lost his light. But instead of crying and rambling like Harry, he handled it differently,  _ very  _ differently. He shut everyone out, didn’t talk to no one, not even with his family. If the topic ever came up, he would just hang up or leave the room. He buried his feelings deep in a big brown box and stored the box in the very back of his head. The memories weren’t allowed to be thought about, he didn't even set one foot back in their apartment back in London. He had someone clean his closet and his belongings. He never got that stuff back tho, he simply bought new clothes. He couldn’t allow himself to remember. He didn't want to. But nobody saw, because well, he was the big guy, the oldest out of them. If he showed weakness, who would be strong for him? 

So both of them were a mess, Lou hiding it, pretending he wouldn't care. None of them ever used the word sorry in front of each other. The breakup was messy, a disaster even. But they never talked about it.

The biggest pain in the ass was the management tho. After about a hundred comments about how they said from the beginning that it wouldn't be working, they had an idea. An awful one, An idea that wouldn't make it any easier for either of the couple.

They wanted them to  _ pretend _ . To  _ pretend  _ as if they were _ okay. _

The management never was okay with Lou and Harry so now why would they want them to do it?  _ Just until after the tour, after that we will figure out whatever the situation is. _ That's what they said when Harry and Lou were sitting in front of Lisa and Jeremy. Harry was close to crying, not daring to look over in the direction of his ex lover. His eyes are full of hate and despise, not towards Lou, but the management. He started shivering. This isn’t fair, why?  _ Now why would we have to do that, huh? You were never okay with us. Why should we do that now?  _ Harry was shivering even more as he heard Lou talking, he sounded so  _ cold _ like he would be able to bear sitting next to the younger lad.  _ Cause the fans talk, and when they talk we sell.  _

Harry stopped breathing and just stared right back at them. The room was so silent,  _ too silent _ . The silence came to an end with a loud crack and a door slamming shortly after. Lou left. Of course he would, Harry thought. He always does. Tears swelling in his eyes he turned around to look at the door before turning even further to look at the window. Ev was standing next to it, looking exactly as shocked as Harry. Harry turned back around, looking at Lisa. He didn’t say much either and left the room, Ev on his heels.

That's where our story begins…


	2. 1.1

A soon as he entered his room at the Hotel, he began screaming. He angrily walked over to the bed and ripped away the covers. He screamed at a random pillow and threw it all across the rooms seconds later. He was just so  _ angry _ . He hates being that way. Hate is swelling up his chest, he turns around and shatters the besite table. His screaming not getting any quieter, he steps over the remains of the table and grabs the lamp, which was standing on top of the table. His breath hitched and he slammed the lamp into the wall. He constantly screamed  _ i hate you _ ’s and the phrase  _ why would you do that to me? _

His throat was already quite sore but he couldn’t care less. Tears started streaming down his cheeks and he didn’t stop them. He tossed the matrace from the bed, which landed on the carpet close to the desk made of glass. Dissatisfied, Louis looked at the desk. Oh fuck the desk makes him so so angry. And so  _ so sad _ . Glass, of course it had to be glass.  _ fuck,  _ he screamed, walking over to the desk.  _ why glass _ , his screaming was probably too loud for nobody to notice. With one action, the table shattered into pieces on the ground. Well, at least it's in pieces now, lou thought. 

At the other end of the 6st Hotel floor at the “Blue moon palace”, Harry sat in silence. He was watching the stars shining bright, and the moon curiously watching the boy. Harry wasn’t alone and he didn’t want to be..

_ september 12th 2013, Hotel “blue moon palace”, Floor 6, Harry’s Room _

“I’m so so sorry Harry, I didn't know. They didn’t tell me. I swear i would have said something..” Ev broke the silence. Harry turned and looked at her, nodding silently. Ev didn't know what to do, after looking sadly at the boy by the window she walked over and sat next to him. “You know, my mother told me that eventually everything will turn out okay. And until today, she was right. And you do know that you will be alright. If it will be with Lou or not, you will be happy again. Only the stars know what will happen but it will be alright, I promise H.” she continued. Harry looked away, he flinched slightly when Ev said Lou’s name. “I always thought, it was meant to be forever. I miss him so much. I don’t think i can do it Ev. I mean, I can't even look at him. He moved out, out of our London home and he didn’t even show up himself. He doesn’t dare to talk to me. I-” harry stopped talking. He felt so so stupid. “Ev i don’t know why i should live anymore..” he already lost so many tears tonight but they just wouldn’t  _ stop _ . He couldn’t be looking at Ev anymore so he buried his head in his hands. He started to sob without control. Ev immediately wrapped his arms around the boy and tried soothing him. After what felt like forever, she got him to walk to his bed, laying down and resting. Ev walked out of the room with the worst feeling ever…

_ Flashback _ _ April 16th, 2012, London, Harry and Lou’s apartment _

“Hazzy, I'm back!” Lou shouted upstairs, throwing his keys at the table next to the door. He slipped out his shoes, hanging up his jacket. Harry came skipping down the stairs, grinning out of his ass. Lou immediately started smiling. “hey baby how are you? You're home late..``Harry spoke, walking up to his boyfriend. “Yea i know.. i'm sorry hun. I was with Lisa and she didn't stop talking, ``Lou explained. Harry let out a giggle, throwing himself in lous arms. “I missed you” Harry nuzzled into Lou’s neck. The older boy wrapped his arms around him and kissed his neck. “I missed you, too, curly”

Neither of them knew how, but ten minutes later Harry was pressed to their apartment door with his back, his lips connected to louis´. Their necks were covered in hickeys and their home was filled with moans and panting. Lou teased Harry, grinding forward with his hips. Harry gathered all his strength and turned them around, lou´s back crashing into the wall next to the door. Harry broke the connection of their lips to get rid of the smaller guy's shirt. Lou was full on hard by now and he knew Harry was too. He smiled and kissed Harry's neck once more and made his way up towards the sensitive spot beneath Harry's ear. “You really think, you can just turn that around don't ya” lou muttered under his breath. He bit Harry's neck, the younger boy moaning. Lou grabbed the hem of H’s shirt and got rid of the fabric covering his beautiful chest. “You're really naive if you think so,” Lou whispered into Harry's ear after biting his earlobe. Harry threw his head back, Lou immediately attacking more of the exposed skin. He was fed up by being pressed against the wall and slammed Harry against the other one in the hallway. Suddenly, harry let out a sharp groan, mumbling a hissed  _ fuck _ . “Harry?'' Lou stopped and looked up at harry. “Fuck I think I-” Harry replied, scrunching his eyes shut. Lou took a step back, pulling Harry with him. Something shattered onto the floor. Both boys turned towards the noise, it was a broken picture frame. Broken glass covered the floor. “Ouch, that hurt'' Harry whispered. Lou turned him around, his eyes growing wide. “Oh my fucking shit- Haz I’m so sorry oh god.” Harry's back was cut open by glass, a few pieces of the material stuck in the bleeding wounds. He gasped. “Lou is it bleeding? It hurts” harry let out a whimmer. “Yea fuck it is, come on i’ll clean you up.”

Half an hour later, they laid on the couch all cuddled up in blankets. “You know, I'll always remember us now, when I see glass,” Harry chuckled. Lou grinned and kissed his temple, resting his lips at the spot for a while. “Uh huh. Me too”


	3. 1.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves,  
> todays chaper is heavy and a bit longer. I promise the following ones are even longer.  
> lots of love and happy v-day  
> Leni xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning - selfharm

The next morning, Lou had almost finished a bottle of jack daniels and was sitting on the bathroom floor. Completely and utterly in love and so,  _ so  _ broken. He was done with the world, he wasn’t okay. He missed Harry but he hated him so much. He didn’t even want to see his face.  _ It’s all so his fault _ , Lou thought. All about the situation was so messed up. Harry was, Lou was and Lou's room was. Glass shattered on the floor, the bathroom mirror broken because he couldn't look at himself. He was so disgusted by himself, he hated his own guts so much. He had accidently cut his knuckles while punching the mirror and was still bleeding. He didn’t know what time it was but the sun was already rising so he’d probably be called within the next hour to get back to the bus. He didn’t know how to act now. Like, what  _ would they have to do? _ He couldn't think straight. He was so scared, he didn’t know what to say. And he felt so empty..

Harry was asleep, he needed some time last night but eventually he fell asleep. He woke up several times due to nightmares or even beautiful dreams with him and Lou. He cried a lot that night. Harry, too, was angry. Angry at the other boy, himself and the management. Not angry at Ev tho, she didn’t know. He woke up as the sun was already up, eyes swollen and red. He let out a long sigh. How would he do this, he couldn’t imagine. If he had to touch Lou, he'd probably be crying on the floor in seconds. They were still on tour so he couldn’t just stay hidden somewhere, waiting until his pain was gone. He turned in his bed and buried his face in the sheets. He hated how everything reminded him of Louis, really everything did. And there they were again, the tears. He sniffled and cried, half an hour at least. He wanted to stay in bed all day and all week, and  _ fuck _ the rest of his life. He felt so weak, so wrong. He needs to feel something else,  _ the hurt needs to stop.  _ He pinched his eyes shut and screamed into his pillow, he turned and turned in his bed but  _ nothing _ could stop the memories hurting him. He got up and walked into the bathroom, switched on the light and grabbed this shower bag.  _ This had to help, it always helped before _ , he thought, fumbling out a razorblade. He looked at himself in the mirror for a second. He looked so bad, he  _ hated  _ mirrors. He started crying again and sunk into the tub.  _ i'm not worthy to be loved, i'm not worthy to be loved, i'm not- _ .

First cut.  _ He hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he- _

More blood pouring out from his wrists. He cut and he cut. He couldn’t stop. All the things Lou said a few days prior shooting through his mind.  _ I hurt him so much, so so much.  _ he was full on sobbing and couldn’t see anything anymore. The blade crushed on to the floor of the tub. Harry cried and cried, crossing his arms in front of his chest. The blood was spreading onto his shirt, white turning to red.  _ Dark, dark red.  _ He cried and cried and didn’t stop. Finally his body gave up and he fell into a deep sleep. Finally, the world was silent for a while.

  
  


_ september 13th 2013, Hotel “blue moon palace”, Floor 6, Louis’ Room _

_ knock knock _

Lou looked up from the Bathroom floor. What did they want? Fuck, could they just leave him alone.

“WHAT” he shouted. “Lou get up, pack your stuff. We’re leaving in half an hour. Get up up up!” Liam shouted from the outside. “Open the door come on lad, open up!”

“Fuck! Leave me alone, Li” he answered. “Lou open the door  _ now _ or I'll just come inside. Choose wisely”

Lou got up from the floor, grunting and stumbling a bit. He walked out of the Bathroom, into his room and walked towards the door. He had to step over a few pieces of broken wood and glass but he couldn’t care less. He placed the bottle of liquor on the ground and opened the door. Liam's smile vanished the second he spotted Lou. He looked inside the room. “Lou what the fuck-”

“what do you want, Payne'' he groaned. “If you wanna play the dad, you can leave'' Lou interupted. “Lou how much did you drink and  _ what the fuck did you do to the room mate _ ” liam asked.

“I dunno mate, too much and I redecorated” he slurred, obviously still not sober. 

Liam raised both brows. Lou rolled his eyes. “What happened lou?” liam asked sternly, not taking anything else but the truth as an answer. “Ugh management,” lou said, turned around walking into the room. “they want me and him to act like we were before. Cause fans  _ talk _ and when they _ talk  _ we make  _ money”.  _ Liam followed him, watching Lou picking up the bottle. “They what now?” he answered, taking the bottle away from the other boy, closing it. Lou grabbed a shot bottle out of his jean pocket and emptied it before Liam had the chance of taking it away. “Well they want us to be how we were. Like close and stuff, laughing together, all that shit'' he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Liam just stared at him. Lou shrugged his shoulders. He turned away from Liam and grabbed his bag from the ground and threw his clothes inside. “Harry started shivering and I think he also cried, but I don’t care. I just left” Lou said very quietly and started gathering his stuff from the bathroom. “You do care a lot so don’t say that shit Tomlinson. He is your-.. was your boyfriend for almost three years so don’t dare to pull that shit now” Liam spoke. “Well fuck yea, you’re right. He  _ was _ but isn’t anymore so he doesn’t mean  _ shit  _ to me okey?” Lou answered loudly. Liam shook his head, out of words. “Lou, I don’t know what happened but-”. “No Li, you don’t. And you never will. And no buts here. Leave it be or go'' Lou turned back to liam, looking at him with angry eyes, full of tears. Liam's eyes got softer. “I’m so sorry Tommo.. I’m sorry. No I don’t know and it's not my pair of shoes but you’re sad and i can’t stand seeing you sad. If you want to talk, you know where I am..”

Lou didn’t answer at first and went up with gathering his stuff. 

“I won’t be seen sad again, don’t worry Li. I’m fine.”

  
  


_ departure, 35 minutes later, street in front of the hotel _

Harry stepped into the morning air. It wasn’t cold outside, probably around 20 degrees but the air was nice and fresh. He pulled his sleeves over his wrists, holding them with his fingers. His arms were wrapped in bandages cause nobody had to see. Nobody needed to know how weak he was back in his room. He looked over to the bus. He would be there. He would be in the same bus and he couldn’t escape. He took a deep breath and stepped up to the bus, earphones inside his ears. He entered the bus and immediately heard Niall laughing. He ignored it and turned up the volume. He searched his bunk and slipped inside without being seen and put down his little bag. He heard two people enter the bus, one of them being Liam talking. He didn’t even want to think about who the other one was. A few seconds later, his curtains were ripped open and he grabbed his sleeves again, pulling them down. Lou’s face appeared, looking straight at Harry. His eyes wandering from harry's eyes to his wrists, back up towards his face, Lou mumbled a  _ sorry _ and closed the curtains. Harry swallowed. He  _ saw. _ Lou saw something and didn’t do anything. He hates harry, but that he already knew…

  
  


_Harry's diary, page 26_

_septemer 13th 2013_

_ I did it again and I’m not even sorry. The world stopped, my thoughts did, too. My memories, the ones we share, they hurt so much, it had to stop. You hurt me, so much. I can’t look at you, I couldn’t touch you. But I guess, we’ll have to. I know you saw, but you didn’t care. If I said I wouldn’t care either, I’d be lying. We promised we wouldn’t lie. But that promise got broken so I guess it doesn’t matter anymore now, does it? That’s the thing Lou, those things that were so important to us, you don’t care anymore. But I do and I always will. I swear to god, I thought we were made for eternity but I was proved wrong. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and left when I felt best. But I felt good because of you and now that you’re gone, I feel worse than I ever did before. Make it stop, Lou. Make it stop, I’m begging you.. _

_ I thought about leaving and I will. It will hurt the boys but not you. You once said, the Band wouldn’t be the same without me. Do you remember? At the stairs in cheshire? I do, if you don’t, i guess it’s fine. But I still think, you were so much better without me. And you could live your dream again without me disturbing you with my presence. You don’t want me with you and that’s okay.. _

_ I will be leaving, I promise Lou. I promise… _

  
  


_ Flashback, october 11th 2011, Cheshire, the hotel with “the stairs” _

Harry was out of his mind, nervously walking through the room. He wasn’t talking, he was rambling. Lou sat at their bed, looking at the younger boy pacing around. “Haz, baby, calm down. Look at me, what is wrong?” but Harry didn’t, his eyes were glossing more and more. Harry eventually started losing tears. Lou got up and walked over to his boy. “Haz come here..” he whispered, holding his arms open wide. Harry looked at him and shook his head. “Y-you are b-better without m-me. You.. You don’t need m-me to be a good.. group” he responded. He was completely crying by then, hair ruffled and a few ends sticking out on every side. Lou still thought, he was as pretty as ever. But he didn’t know what Haz was talking about so he just shook his head, staring at him. “Baby that is not true and you know that. Come on, come here and stop that”

“No Lou! You don’t get it! I’m not good enough! You don’t need me! I’m not even  _ pretty _ … Look at you and the others. You’re perfect and you can sing and… I’m just me! They don’t… They don’t  _ want  _ me in the Band!” Harry almost screamed at his opposite. Louis was out of words where the  _ fuck _ was this coming from? “Yea.. no need to say anything. I get it Lou..” the taller boy continued, walking through the door and slamming it shut. 

“What the fuck did just happen…” lou muttered under his breath. After looking at the door for probably way too long he spotted Harry’s phone on the desk by the door. He saw that it was unlocked, walking over to the table he almost instantly knew it was twitter. And he was right. He grabbed the phone and well  _ shit _ . He put the phone back down and left the room as well. He needed to find Harry…

Five minutes later, he finally found harry. Sitting on the steps leading downstairs. He was sobbing and he had pulled up his knees to his chest, burying his face in his arms. Lou sat down next to his boy and hugged him tight, kissing his head once. “Baby listen,” he started talking, “they don’t have a say in this alright? They aren’t real fans if they say bulshit like this. It’s not worth crying over baby.” He slowly smoothed his back, kissing his head once more. He stayed quiet after that, waiting for Harry to calm down, just holding him. Soon after, Harry looked up at him. He looked a bit better but still everything but calm. Blue met green like so many times before. For a second the world stood still, Louis smiling lightly at Harry. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap '' Harry said, hugging the other boy. Lou’s smile grew wider, laying his arms around Harry again. “Don’t apologize, It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. I love you.”

Harry froze on the spot. He slowly pushed the boy away, staring at him. “Y-you love me?” he asked. Louis’ eyes grew wide, realizing what he just said. “Uhm I.. Eh yea I do Harry. I uhm planned on telling you uhm.. shit I-” lou suddenly forgot how to speak. Harry’s gaze wandered from eye to eye. He was loved? By Louis? Now it was on Harry to be out of words. They didn’t need words. Harry couldn’t stand the distance. He just kissed him. 

They had done it millions of times before, but this kiss was different. It meant so much to both of them. It was filled with passion and love. Their lippes moved together like it was meant to be. Louis pulled the other boy closer and closer. He didn’t ever want to let him go again. Yes he loved him, so much. He was in love. And it felt so good. 

After minutes of kissing, Harry broke the kiss first. He smiled again and only the dried tears were hinting the situation prior to the kissing. “I love you, Lou. And I always will.”

And in that moment, they were more than okay.

  
  


_ You know, way back then love was the only thing in my mind. My love for you was so big and so much but I felt safe. Loving you made me feel safe. Everyday was painted pink. The clouds, the sky, even the flowers. You made me feel special and pink. I know you loved me but now I’m not sure anymore. How you looked at me that night, I couldn't figure out what you were thinking. Normally I always can but since that night, I can’t. And of course loving you is different now. It even feels different now. The looks you send me, ful of all this hate, full of hurt, full of regret. I can basically see how you want me out of your way. I see you walking around, laughing with the other boys. You guys leave me out, it’s fine. Do you regret it? I don’t. I love you, I just hate what we did. I hate your smile. I hate your beautiful eyes. I hate your perfect shiny hair. I hate your voice that once soothed me to sleep or sung secret songs to me. I was the only person that was allowed to hear those songs, just as you listened to mine. I hate that I can't kiss nor touch you without breaking. I hate laying down alone, showering alone, eating alone.  _

_ But I just can’t hate you. _

_ Trust me, I want to... _


	4. 1.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy reading :)

Later that day, at nighttime, Lou dreamed.   
They had kind of an off day so he hadn’t seen the other guys around. That was basically because he was crouching in his bed in his hotel room. He wouldn’t know how to face the lads. Niall would drive him crazy because he would be happy (he doesn’t mind but he would probably get angry because he isn’t happy), Liam would constantly scoot him concerned looks and Zayn would probably drive him crazy, too. Zayn is a good guy but he can be really convincing about smoking weed and Louis would be in a high state of mind, probably doing or saying things he shouldn’t do or say.  
But the biggest point of not being with them still was Harry.   
He wouldn’t be able to endure the sad and broken looks, he wouldn’t be able to stand there or sit there, not really being with his boy. And his mask would crumble. Harry is, after all, still his soft spot. And he will probably always be.  
Louis still didn’t know if he doubted his decision from a few days ago. They didn’t agree on breaking up, Lou more or less decided on his own. He remembers Harry just standing in front of him, silently crying but not showing any emotion besides the tears. He still didn’t know what exactly was going on in Harry's head at that exact moment.  
But nothing like this was in his head while he was dreaming. In fact, it was a good dream. It most certainly was the best one he had in a long time, considering it wasn’t all peachy even weeks before they broke up. At least at first.   
He dreamed of Harry and him, living in a house away from the city. The house wasn’t too big but not small either. It was made mostly out of wood, painted in dark blue shades. It even had a small porch, painted in white. It was really an almost perfect dream.  
They were sitting in the garden, sun kissing their faces. All cuddled up they had been laying on white blankets, watching the clouds moving above their heads, travelling god knows where. Louis had a few white flowers in his hair, Harry’s curls were grown out little, small braids here and there in his hair. Lou occasionally dropped grapes in his mouth and strawberries in Harry’s. Lou guessed they were a few years older but Haz was still telling his awful jokes. They were giggling and stealing kisses at random times.  
They had even brought a guitar with them. Lou sat up and placed it on his lap. Harry stayed laid on his back, watching the older boy carefully. He played a new melody, sounding different to what he was used to, somehow more fluffy? Is that even a word to describe a melody? He didn’t care.   
Louis saw the other boy proudly smiling, he loved that smile. It was somehow private, special and just or him. He hummed quietly to the melody. His eyes switching between Harry’s eyes and the guitar.   
He continued a few minutes before stopping and laying the instrument back in its former place. “That was beautiful Lou,” Harry spoke softly, smiling at the other boy. He just smiled and leaned down to kiss his boy softly on the lips. Harry was slightly grinning, kissing back but quickly broke the kiss just to tackle Louis onto his back, straddling him tightly. He placed his hands on both sides of Lou’s face. They were sharing a quick grin before uniting their lips once again.   
“I love your eyes.” Hary just smiled back at his boyfriend. “Lou, you say that every day at least 5 times!” he giggled.   
And that was true, Lou did say that quite often but he couldn’t resist. And quite frankly, he didn’t want to resist. He cared so much about this beautiful boy in his arms, he never wanted to let him go.  
But after all, it would have been too good to be true if that dream lasted.  
Suddenly the sun disappeared behind the clouds. The sky grew darker as did Harry's face. His smile vanished. He got out of Lou’s arms. The younger boy just looked at him, tears welling up in his emerald eyes. Lou panicked immediately.  
“Why would you do this, Louis? why would you do this to us?”  
Without another word Harry got up and walked backwards, he was sobbing and tears were wetting his now pale cheeks. Louis got up as well, walking over to harry. He wasn’t able to speak like his tongue was stuck back in his throat. He just shook his head, still walking closer to harry. He never seemed to reach him.   
Both boys were crying now, and you certainly felt like vomiting and his stomach was turning over and over again. He was opening his mouth what felt like a thousand times but not one word actually ever left his lips.  
Harry looked disappointed and somehow really scared. “I knew you wouldn’t even talk. You don’t ever fucking talk to me and you don’t even listen anymore! You ruined it! You destroyed us! That could’ve been our future, you know.” He screamed at first, blaming the other boy, but now he grew tired. He now seemed exhausted.   
Their environment suddenly changed. They were no longer at the meadow, they were standing in the exact same hotel room where they’d broken up.   
“We will always end up here Louis.” The older boy still couldn’t talk. He just looked at Harry, shaking his head. “I know I hurt you, Louis,” they locked eyes, Harry’s voice lost strength, “but what you did to me was way worse. I had to make it stop. You weren’t there to make it stop, to stop me. And you promised you would always stop me…” Louis felt guilt flashing over him. No, no, no. That couldn’t be true. He wanted to speak, to apologize. He wanted to hug Harry and never let him go, but he couldn’t move. More tears escaped his eyes, his panic starting to grow. He knew it, he saw. He saw the bandages and he didn’t react.  
Thoughts were circling his mind like a swarm of bees, unstoppable. He somehow managed to fuck up even more than he already did. He shook his head again, still not making a sound.   
Harry grew quiet, he stopped speaking. He just looked and the smaller boy, eyes getting colder. He wiped away his tears. Suddenly something happened that Lou definitely didn’t expect at all. Harry chuckled.   
Once, twice and then, he began to laugh. If Louis wasn’t so confused, his heart would be sparkling.   
It was one of his favourite sounds after all.   
Harry was holding his stomach of laughter. Lou on the other side didn’t move a muscle. Why was he laughing? What the hell was going on?  
Harry stopped laughing after some time but the amused look in his eyes didn’t disappear. He started talking again and Louis was certainly not ready for the turn the conversation would take.  
“I was so dumb. So, so naive. It’s actually pretty funny, you know,” he chuckled again, “because look at me, being all messed up because of you. I gave you all of me, all of my heart and all of my love. But look at you, you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve anything!”  
Lou noticed that Harry’s eyes grew dark. This wasn’t his Haz. He was genuinely scared of him now.  
“It was so childish of me to believe we were meant for forever. I’m so sick of being the weak one. Okay fine, great fucking job Lou, you broke me. Congrats! But you know what? Maybe it’s better this way. We would’ve never been equal, would we? Because you would never treat me the way I deserve. It’s so funny, I was so blind. So fucking blind. But that's over now.”   
Harry walked towards the other boy and Lou backed off a bit. He was scared, he didn’t know that Harry in front of him. His tears continued spilling over his face, dripping down his neck. Harry just grinned and walked closer towards him. Louis’ back was pressed against the wall. Harry stopped right in front of him, chests touching.  
“You’re dead to me Tomlinson. After this tour is over, I’ll leave the band and I'll never see your face again. I don’t fucking want to hear your voice again or even read your name.” He pressed one hand next to the other boy’s head, maintaining eye contact. “But you know what the worst part is? I still want to kiss you, feel your lips against mine, against my skin, against my body. I want to be with you, Louis”   
Hope dwelled up upon Louis, eyes growing wide. He noticed Harry’s eyes flicking to his lips. Louis was holding his breath while Harry’s face was slowly getting closer to his own.  
They could feel each other’s breath on their lips. Lou didn’t know what to do, how to react. Harry looked back at his eyes, his face lacking any emotion.   
“But do you know what Tomlinson?” Harry whispered, placing his mouth next to Lou’s left ear. “I hate myself for it. I hate myself that I love you. I hate you, Louis, I can’t stand you.”   
Harry stepped back, looking angrier than ever. Louis was shocked, he didn’t expect that. But to be honest, he didn’t know what he even expected.   
And just like that, Harry was gone.   
The next thing Lou knew is waking up in his bed. He was sweating like never before, breathing rapidly. After a couple of minutes, he finally calmed down his breathing. He pulled away his covers and got up. Grabbing his phone on the way, he walked into the ensuite bathroom. He was so tired but he knew he couldn’t sleep after that dream. He turned his phone back on. It was not even 6 am, clearly way too early to be awake. He let out a sigh.  
He had a couple of texts from Liam and Zayn, asking where he was. Even one from Niall, saying he was a dick. He shook his head and ignored them. He closed the bathroom door after switching on the lights and placed his phone on the countertop next to the shower.   
He stripped down and stepped into the shower, turning on the water.   
He recalled the dream. How Harry looked, how he acted, how he was scared of the boy he loved. He never acted that way in front of him. He never said such things.   
He closed his eyes and stepped under the water streaming out of the showerhead. Would Harry really leave the band? He couldn’t. The band wasn’t anything without him. He was Harry, Harry Styles. He buried his face in his hands. If Harry really wanted to get rid of him, Louis would leave. He owed that to Harry. He really did.   
Harry looked so broken in his dream, but Louis was still so confused. Why did he laugh? Was he going crazy? Was Harry going crazy? He shook his head, getting rid of his thoughts and continued his shower, trying not to go back to that stupidly confusing dream of his.  
He decided to text Ev after his shower, she’d be the first to know if Harry wanted to leave. So he did.   
Louis, he didn’t say anything about something like that. Even if he did, I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you. I’m sorry, love.  
That wasn’t the response he’d hoped to get but it was at least something right?  
He was debating with himself how he’d get to that needed information. He wouldn’t ask Harry. He wasn’t that dumb, thank you very much.  
The tour was set to continue until October, leaving rarely one month of time. He sat down on his bed, unlocking his phone and calling Liam.  
“Hello, Lou?” Liam almost immediately picked up.  
“Hey Li, can you talk?” Lou asked, nervously picking his cuticles.  
“Sure, hang on. I’ll come over!”   
“No!” Lou shouted. “I mean, uhm, please, let’s talk on the phone? Its easier that way..” He silently begged.  
“Of course Lou, what’s going on? Where were you last night? You scared us.”  
Louis swallowed. He wondered if Harry asked, too. “Even Harry asked Lou..” Liam added. Louis didn’t know what to say. Should he pretend not to care?  
“Uh nice, are you alone right now?”  
“No I’m not but I can find a quiet place if that’s better for you Lou.” Louis gave it a quick thought but in the end, he decided that the others would somehow know anyways so it’s whatever really.  
“No its fine, stay where you are, I don’t care.” he snapped. “Sorry, I- That was rude Li sorry..”  
“You’re worrying me Tommo, what is it?”  
“I’m thinking about leaving, after the tour. I think it would be the best for the band cause you know, the tension…”  
“Sure lad, I man we always take our time off after we end the tour. So you’re going home on vacation, so what? That’s why you called?” Liam asked, clearly confused.  
“No, Li. Like leaving leaving. Like leaving the band.” he paused, Liam stayed quiet. “If I won’t then Harry will and the band isn’t the same without Harry. Let’s be honest here, they wouldn’t even notice when my voice isn’t on the songs.”  
“What the fuck Louis Tomlinson?! What are you talking about? No one is leaving the band, Louis!”   
Louis stayed silent. He heard a faint voice in the back asking who is leaving the band. The voice clearly being Zayns. He let out a sigh, still not continuing to talk.  
“Look Lou, don’t rush anything okay? We will figure this whole situation out. Just give it some time yeah?” Liam continued.   
“No Liam, this is not some situation you can fix and it will be alright. This is my life we are talking about. You can’t fix my life, you can’t fix me. I made my decision. I can’t live like this, not without…” Lou stopped talking. His mind wandered back to his dream, the meadow and the blankets. And Harry. His beautiful boy...  
“Louis let’s talk about this later okay? You sound emotional and it’s not really intelligent to rush decisions like this.” Liam was clearly trying to convince Louis and he was losing his patience somehow.  
“No, Liam. I’m sorry but it’s done. I’ll go to Ev right now and tell her. I’m- I just want him to be happy. No, scratch that. I want to be happy. I don’t care about him. It’s not for him, it’s for me. I need to- Well whatever. Talk to you later Li.” he was rambling now and close to crying again.  
“No Lou, wai-” he ignored Liam and hung up.  
He immediately threw his phone onto the other side of the bed, turning his head away from it. He was shivering. And he felt like he might cry again. He also felt sick. So so sick. He rushed to the bathroom and emptied his stomach.  
Well, that went well…

It took him a while to calm down, his thoughts were racing through his head and his body was trembling. He hadn’t moved from the bathroom floor yet but he knew he had to eventually. Liam probably already called Ev, maybe even Niall and Harry. He was still sure about his decision to leave, not questioning it. It would be best for everyone, right? He would be happy, or at least better than he is at the moment. Would he?   
The only thing Lou knew was that he was scared. Scared of the reaction from his family, the label, even Harrys reaction.   
He pulled his knees closer to his chest, hugging them with his arms. He felt cold and alone. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the tiles of the wall. He didn’t know how he got to that point. He never felt this way before.  
A question popped up in his head, Ev wouldn’t be mad, would she? What about his family, would they be angry? What about the boys, the fans? Questions over questions were suddenly floating in his brain, interrupting the silence. Louis screamed and pinched his eyes shut.   
As it got more silent, his mind going blanc, he got up and opened his eyes again. This needs to stop, he thought. He took a deep breath, closng his eyes once more, counting to ten. He would be alright, he thought, everything is gonna be okay.   
He walked out of the bathroom, grabbing his shoes and slipping them on. He picked up his phone from the matress and walked out of the hotelroom. He knew exactly were he was going, he wasn’t even nervous anymore. Seconds later, he knocked on Ev’s door. He wasn’t crying nor shouting. He was calm, almost too calm.  
Almost immediately, the door swung open. Ev looked angry and somehow not like her calm self. She had even tears in her eyes. With crossed arms she looked up at Louis. He couldn’t look into the room, Ev was hiding the view to the insides of the room.   
“What in hell is wrong with you, tomlinson?” Ev asked angrily. “What do you think you are doing? What bullshit are you talking about? Do you suffer from brain damage? Is it that? Did you slip in the shower?”   
Louis was taken aback slightly, he clearly didn’t expect that.  
“Uh no? What are you talking about?” He surey knew what this was about but playing dumb seemed reasonable at this point.  
“Cut that shit, Louis. Liam told me, get your ass inside. The hotel doesn’t have to know what's going on.” Ev continued, taking a few steps back.   
Louis finally got a glimpse of the hotel room but as soon as he did, he wished that Ev and him were still standing outside. There on the bed were sitting Zayn and Liam. He also spotted Niall on the couch. They all looked quite angry, Niall also showed a bit of disappointment.   
But then things got even worse, he saw Harry. Standing upright in the last corner of the room, he stared back at Lou.   
At that exact moment, Lou’s mind went black. Every word, every keyphrase was deleted from his brain. He just looked into Harry's eyes, it felt like he hadn’t seen them in forever. Harry showed no facial expression. He looked empty.  
Lou swallowed, he felt like everyone was waiting for him to speak up. And so he did.  
“I know you’re probably confused but i don’t feel like I belong with you guys anymore. I don’t think you need me and that’s fine. I don’t want to hold you back and I don't think I could still be with you. We grew up together and the time with you was wonderful and.. intense. I’m thankful for everything that we created together but I can’t continue like this. I-” He stopped. His eyes were searching the ground for a distraction. A sudden movement made him look up again and he saw Niall walking up to him, looking angrier than before.   
“Tommo you’re talking bullshit and you know that damn well. Whatever is going on and whatever the real reason for this shit is, spill it. Now!” Niall nearly shouted at him.  
He felt five pairs of eyes resting on him, waiting for answers he wasn’t willing to give. It didn’t seem like he could get out of this room without spilling the truth.  
“The truth huh? The truth is, dear Niall, that I can’t act like I’m in love when I’m not, and I won’t! This is hell for me. I can’t sit next to him, I can’t touch him. This is awful and I don’t need that shit in my life.” Louis gritted out, hands clenched into fists. Niall didn’t make a sound, he just stared back at him.  
“You are so pathetic Louis,” he heard a voice speak up, chuckling. It belonged to Harry. “You’re acting like a goddamn child and you know it. Who do you think you are?”   
Louis looked over to where Harry was standing. The boy was smiling, almost grinning. Pain flashed through his body, his heart hurting.  
Harry began walking towards him and Niall immediately backed up, settling down next to Liam on the bed.   
“You fucking broke up with me. This is your fault. You don’t have to leave, anyone then I should. This is crap, just shit. You’re pulling a shitshow for what? You know nothing Louis. You just left. You ran away. Look at you, running again and again. But you know what? I don’t care anymore. Do what you want. But if you want to leave, leave now. Run away, piss off. Get out of our lives. You’re not loading your shit on me. Not on me, not on any of the boys and not on our team. This is on you, and only on you.” Harry no longer smiled or grinned. He looked angry and he was almost shouting at him. Lou’s heart broke, tears were making their way down his cheeks.  
Harry held up a finger in front of Lou's face.  
“Get out.” he whispered before shouting “Now!”  
Louis backed off a few steps, trying to reach the door. Harry didn’t move, he just stared. Lou looked over to the other boys, he saw anger on their faces as well as pity.   
Before he could leave, Ev spoke up. “I called in a few minutes ago, You can leave. You have three days to think about the shit you just said. You can decide if you’re in or out. Three days Louis, three.”  
Louis swallowed. He suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore, about nothing. He looked back at Harry, who was turned away from him, walking over to the couch. Next he looked at the boys. He didn’t have words for them, he knew he couldn't expect help from them.   
He turned back to Harry, hoping to catch his eye one more time but the boy had pulled out his phone, acting like everything was totally normal.  
That gave Louis the rest, his breath hitched and he let out a sob. Harry’s features hardened but he didn’t look up. Lou turned around and left the room, leaving their lives and leaving his old life behind him.


End file.
